Kelly Clarkson rocks!!
Check out her cover of
Walkin After Midnight.
Patsy Cline is still one of my favorite artists and
Video is no longer up.... if anyone knows where this can be located let me know!!!!

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

44 years later....

Today is my birthday. 44 years ago today I entered this world kicking and screaming. Well, I would like to think I was kicking and screaming but as I recall what my mother told me, I was a quiet baby. Not really a stellar start to my life but by golly it's my start.

So I spent some time just thinking about the where's. You all know them.... were ya been, at, and going. The been part is super easy. Not a lot to discuss on that but easy stuff to catalog. Some of it excruciatingly good (e.g. the day I got married), some of it on the exact opposite end of the spectrum (e.g. the day my mom passed), and off course all the stuff that falls somewhere in between the two. It would be foolish to waste a lot of time wondering about things that might have been different had I made other choices but it never hurts to put a little energy in to it.

Marion. THAT job. The new refrigerator. Divorce. *sigh*

Ok, enough of the past. Where am I now. Certainly not where I saw myself 20 or 30 years ago. I think all told i am pretty happy. Well, except for the MS and other inconveniences but I still have met some very mice and interesting people so there is still some good that has come of it. I am not sure I would trade that for anything but there is a significant part of me that would like the opportunity. Who the hell am I kidding... I would jump all over that one change. Since that is not an option, I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

Out of work. Back in college. Family. Dad. *le sigh*

So that brings me to the final where. Where the hell am I going? To tell you the truth I am having a hard time telling. Now don't think I don't have goals, plans, and a desire to get there but, I had all of those things 5, 10, 20 years ago and look how that all turned out. I guess i am just afraid that despite putting in the effort isn't going to get me where I want to be. There is too much in life that I have no control over and all that shit directly affects me in one way or another. That knowledge is getting to be quite the burden.

Graduate. Get a job. Take care of my MS and Diabetes. Take care of dad. *le frickin' sigh*

I have noticed that with each day it takes me a bit longer to find the will to get up and do what I have to. Oh no, I don't mean it like that. For the record, THAT is never an option. What I mean is that I know what is expected of me but it is getting harder to want to meet those expectations. I get angry fairly easy, usually over the silliest of crap. I just don't care about the things I used to care deeply about. I am tired of being alone.

I think, having just read that last paragraph, it amounts to one thing.

I am just tired.

Nothing fancy. Just worn to a nub. As in the "sick and" variety.

44 years.

When I was 14 I had the world by the short and curlies.

At 24, it was grab everything I could get.

34 rolled up and it was all about the party.

Then the visit from the age-fairy. Have the last 30 years of my life gone by already? I do not think I can put in to words just what feelings that knowledge brings. It is hanging around my neck like an anchor and the water is rising fast. The issue, at hand, is whether or not I want to struggle to free myself or just succumb to it. Hell of a question, don't you think?

Sadly, I do not have an answer. Not for myself and certainly not one for you. Maybe I will wake up tomorrow and the sun will be shining a little brighter, the coffee taste a smidgen smoother, or my feet hurt just a little less. Of course, with my disposition of late I fully expect the sky to be on fire, the coffee to be rancid, and both legs missing.

I suppose there is no where to go but up. Anyone have a ladder they can spare?

Happy birthday to me. BITE ME!

Later all! Tip a cow for me.


Rae said...

Sorry for being late on the birthday well wishes, but better late than never - Happy Birthday! I understand all that you said. I ask the same questions every year. Let me know if you ever find out. I have been asking fourteen years longer that you have and I still haven't got an answer.

kmilyun said...


Imagine the birthday song sung to you out of key a tad . ...

Looking back - yah - do that a lot myself - without any great revelations to show for all the thinking.


Kelli said...

Happy Belated Birthday! I hope your first cup of coffee was wonderful this morning.

Have Myelin? said...

Happy Birthday! I was late to the party but I came a couple of days late anyway. Hope you don't mind.

I ask questions like that all the time. I have no answers. I don't think there are any.

Isn't coffee a wonderful bean?

Mike said...

Thank you all for the b-day wishes. No matter what some people might think, myself included at times, I do appreciate it.

Coffee is my carry-thru and to be honest, I do not think I get near enough of it. Sadly, there have been times I have had the jitters so bad because I drink so much of it but I keep going back for more!